I’ve been thinking a lot about relationship expectations lately (also, hello, and sorry for my protracted absence. I’ve been busy with mostly good stuff, and a little bit of very bad stuff). I find myself in the first quote-unquote capital-R Relationship I’ve had in a very long time. In fact, it is my first quote-unquote capital-R grown-up Relationship: post-college, post three or so years of excruciating self-evaluation necessitated by hitting various low points, and post realizing that I need to make some huge life changes. Namely, the last “post” involved the decision to apply to graduate school outside of New York City. I’ve been here seven years and at the end of the day, New York brings me more grief and stress than pleasure. So by November 08, I had made up my mind and formulated a plan and was halfway through applications for Master’s programs in places that have a slower pace, better Mexican food, and way better weather. I don’t want to work in publishing anymore, and I don’t want to endure another cold winter. So international relations and California it is.
Of course, as often happens when you’re busy making other plans, life happens. In November, I met Smurf. He’s not blue and he’s not a midget, but his last name actually means Smurf in another language, and so he shall be called Smurf on TBT. Smurf turned out to be the male version of me in a lot of eerie ways. Half Jew, half Latin, journalism degree, siblings the exact same age…everything we said to each other was recognizable as a shared experience, whether it was having a mom with a funny accent in a small town or discovering we liked the same books, music, and movies. I know this sounds unbelievable. I didn’t believe it. Smurf didn’t believe it, either. “Are we the same person?” he asks me sometimes. But there it was, here it is, and even though I have one foot on the West Coast already, I couldn’t and cannot ignore it. Oh yes, and the sex is really good.
Smurf had a freakout in mid-December, to the tune of “where is this going/do I want to be exclusive/I’m not sure/it’s moving too fast for me [Tina J.’s response: “What the fuck, considering YOU have initiated all of our dates, sleepovers, and Sunday-crossword-puzzling-while-we-brunch-at-cute-neighborhood-establishments.”] I also informed him that without needing to put labels on it right away, I would like to see where this goes because we have good chemistry and a nice time together, and I have no desire to just be some random girl in his dating/sex rotation. Then I walked out, feeling extremely sad yet proud of myself for not compromising my desires, and somehow resisisting the urge to call him 2 minutes after I left his apartment to say “I’m happy with whatever you want to do.” Smurf e-mailed me a few days later saying he wanted to get together and said he couldn’t let things end like that because he liked me, and had gotten scared due to said liking, and he had talked to his mom and drank a lot of alcohol in the past few days, and decided he wanted to give things a go. But he wasn’t sure what that meant besides agreeing not to date/sleep with other people, because he hadn’t dated anyone since college and he didn’t know how to go about it [Tina J.’s response: “as long as we’re still having fun and good conversations and great sex and being honest with each other, isn’t that enough to start with?”] Smurf agreed that that was a good way to look at it, and here we are a month later.
But now, I’m the one starting to freak out. Because it occurs to me that I have no idea what to expect from a capital-R Relationship, or what is an appropriate set of expectations for a Relationship. The only significant men in my life thus far have been gay, clinically antisocial, recently orphaned (Seriously! Both parents dead by age 19!), or just using me for sex. My parents have a more fucked up relationship than I can even begin to describe, so they’re no help. And my friends aren’t any better off than I am. The guys fall into two categories:
1. Monogamous LTR types, either married or dating their girlfriends for eons
2. Those who would rather swallow light bulbs than commit to a female.
My girlfriends also fall into two categories:
1. Girlfriends and wives of the monogamous LTR guys
2. Lovely, beautiful, funny women who continuously get chewed up and spit out by the New York City dating scene.
Now that I’m somewhere in the middle, where do I turn for advice? How do I know if I’m being too needy or too aloof? Am I weirding out Smurf by helping him fold laundry because I really, truly love folding laundry while he thinks, ‘oh my God, she wants to be my wife’? Is my annoyance at him canceling our (admittedly tentative) plans to see a movie tonight so he can hang out with a friend warranted? Is wanting to have sex with him more than twice a week too much? Or is it wrong that sometimes I want to say “I love you”? Also, what the fuck am I thinking diving into this thing headlong, when I’m leaving in six months? Please leave your functional relationship advice in the comments section!
--TinaJ
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